Excerpt from Lesson One in Small Group Series “Single Women Hurting in Silence”
By Crystal Schmalz
I kept looking at my phone. Was he going to text me? Would he even call? Should I call or text him? I was so perplexed in my mind, because I wanted him to make ‘the big gesture.’ The big gesture is when the guy you have been liking for what seems like eternity, somehow realizes you like him, he likes you, and he makes the first move in the happily ever after white house blue shutter windows fairytale. I waited another hour, and my phone was dead as dead could be. I waited into the evening. I just kept thinking, “He’s going to call. I’m worth it. I’m a catch. He would be crazy if he didn’t call, and want to hang out with me. I know he likes me. I’m not crazy.” He didn’t call that night, and so I waited the next day for him to call. I’d like to believe I wasn’t a desperate woman that day. I’d like to say I hadn’t blown things out of proportion in my mind, but I think I did. I’d like to believe I wasn’t imagining everything, but I don’t know if that would be the full truth. For the sake of clarity, it should be noted I am an attractive, educated, fun loving, and totally dedicated to God woman. I love my life, I definitely have standards and am not going to settle for the first Joe who smiles and winks an eye, and there are certainly several guys I could date if I wanted to date them.
The problem is I didn’t want any other guy or any other dream. I wanted him. To me, this guy was so special and not like the rest. He was incredible. I had never met a guy like him before. He believed in me, he listened to me, and when we were together I really thought we had that thing they call ‘chemistry.’ We could talk for hours, and it was amazing sometimes because it seemed like there were so many uncanny similarities (and not just the kind where your good friends, but the kind that make you want to try it big, and go for the gold). So I waited another day, and then it hit me like a car hitting an unaware helpless deer. He wasn’t going to call, because he didn’t want to make ‘the big gesture.’ It was in that moment, I realized it was over before it had ever begun. When this reality hit me, the loss was overwhelming, and the tears just kept falling down my face. My whole life spun into a mini depression, and I just lost all hope in ever finding anyone else. I didn’t want anyone else, and there wasn’t a replacement for this kind of guy. He may not have been ‘the one,’ but he was ‘the one’ I wanted.
There wasn’t any comfort in knowing he didn’t want me. I didn’t find any joy in the fact this was just another failed relationship. I wasn’t happy to be sitting there alone, crying by myself, and thinking over and over again about the whole pathetic truth of the situation. It is one thing to feel sorry for yourself, but it is an entirely different thing to come to the knowledge that this dream you have been told your entire life is a lie and it is never going to happen. What do you do with this kind of truth? What do you do when you come to the realization you are never going to be the one with a ring on your left hand, the blue dodge minivan owner, the one with the cute Gerber looking baby, and the one who has someone to grow old with?
In Oneness Pentecostalism today, there are many young and older women who will never marry, will never have children, and will suffer these losses alone. These women will not be allowed to grieve, because there will always be people telling them that someday their prince charming is going to come along and sweep them off their feet. They will constantly believe a lie, tell themselves everything is okay, assure themselves if God wants someone to come along he will bring the right person, and then one day they will wake up with a bitter taste because they will finally realize not only have they had an incredible loss in their life, but they will also realize they were never allowed to grieve this loss. The church doesn’t have a place for these women to grieve and mourn. As Christian educators, counselors, pastors, caregivers, and Christians in ministry we must create a space for women to grieve the loss of the dream and hope of marriage and children, and allow them to publicly mourn these losses. If we keep hiding things under the rug, saying everything is okay, and lying to these women we will be held accountable to God for this sin, abuse, and negligence. We must learn to be present with these women, create spaces in our church for these women who are hurting, acknowledge the pain they are feeling, and help them to know it is okay to publicly mourn this major loss in their life.
Interested in purchasing this small group series? Contact Crystal Schmalz at firstname.lastname@example.org Cost:$10 plus shipping cost.
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